ourplacetobe

There is a certain level of depression suffered when one goes home from vacation. I feel like I become more depressed than the average person.

At home, I believe I suffer a certain level of social anxiety. The pressures to greet people, ask how people are doing and always have a smiling face annoy me. When I go to work, I don't usually say 'hello' to coworkers. I'm not mad. I'm not rude. But I work at least 5 out of 7 days a week, I keep up with coworkers via texting and Facebook and don't generally have a whole lot of things to say to them that aren't related to work. Does this make me harsh? It sounds harsh. It looks harsh in print. I don't mean to be. And when I don't say 'hello' it immediately becomes an issue of, "Oh, Ellen's in a bad mood again." No. I'm at work to work. Not to talk about the weather. I enjoy work. I'm there. You see me. You know what I'll be doing for the next 4-8 hours, you know what I did for 4-8 hours yesterday and almost every day before that. If I want to make you a part of what happens during  the other 16-20 hours of my day then I will. But until then, we are just coworkers. We're acquaintances. Once I make it out of bed and to work, I enjoy being there. I enjoy the company and camaraderie of my coworkers and am usually entertained by guests. I have a few good friends at work. I enjoy work more when they are around. It all boils down to me not wanting to mix my work life and my personal life.

When I go out in public, I don't want to see anyone I know. Again, these pressures to make small talk really annoy me. If I see someone that I want to talk to, I will. Otherwise, I'll flash a smile and continue on my way. In big places, it can be a delight to see a familiar face and stop for a chat. In Auburn, Alabama, I've been seeing the same faces my whole life.

I go to Auburn because it's convenient. It's in-state. My brother's went there. It's close to home. It's a good school. I don't have a passion for Auburn. I don't bleed orange and blue. I don't buy into the rigamaroll about God being an Auburn fan because the sunset is orange and blue. I enjoy football season in small doses and am thankful that beer flows freely through my town. I have a few good friends in Auburn, my brother, my dog and my boyfriend in Auburn. I don't think I'll miss anything about Auburn. I'm not hating, I just have no real attachments to the town itself. I've had good times there, but a good time can be had just about anywhere.

In Alabama, you're hard-pressed to find someone who doesn't float the mainstream. I'd be willing to bet that almost every girl I know swears by Sex and the City and would list getting dressed up and having girls' night out among their favorite activities. That's fine. It's just not my style. I enjoy my girlfriends, but feel like I could have a good time with just about anyone anywhere...outside of Alabama and it's 500 mile radius.

It's all a clusterfuck in my head. Really.

But in Seoul, you're more likely to see the same person twice than to see the same pair of shoes twice. Really. People don't smile at you on the streets because they don't know you. They don't want you to think they're laughing at you.

I don't speak a lick of Korean, but if I need to know something, it's probably going to be printed in English. And if it's not then it's up to me to figure out what to do and where to go. Stop lights are optional.

There is a market on every other street. Westerners and military men flood the bars of Itaewon where everyone is out to get sloshed. There are regulars at the bars that sponsor dart and pool leagues. Walk one block over and you won't see a familiar face. Walk 2 blocks over and you're in an art district or street of prostitutes. The population here is rather homogenous, but it's so easy to find something new.
 
Cabs are dirt cheap but you better know a little Korean because if they're driving you then you're on their turf. The Engrish makes me giggle. The subway cars are crowded and more often than not I've found myself to be the only Caucasian aboard. You won't see a fat Korean but they eat the shit out of street food. Yakimandu. Won tons. Chicken on a mother fucking stick. Kimchi.

Take your shoes off before entering a house because everyone here spits. Hocks righteous loogies. Relentlessly. I don't think I could ever really get used to it, but that's how they roll in the Land of the Morning Calm. It's the air. Infants in backpacks can be seen wearing face masks to protect them from the thickness of it. The air is almost visible. Thick. Gray. Yellowish. It kills their lungs but everyone smokes.

Speaking of shoes, if you wear bigger than a 9, don't even try to buy shoes here. Koreans aren't tall people thus their shoe sizes aren't very large.

And yet, the view of Seoul from N Seoul Tower is the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen. The city never ends. It all looks pristine and organized from the observation deck. A cab ride anywhere in this city will show you that it's anything but organized. Grid streets? Forget it. And when the highrises end, the craggy mountains begin. And just over the mountains is North Korea. Where citizens aren't allowed to have cars and public executions don't turn heads.

What it boils down to is that I hate the way I sound in the first few paragraphs of this blog. I feel hateful. Resentful. Like I've perched myself so high that it's impossible to relate to people. I don't know what has done it to me but I think it's 21 years of monotony. I don't necessarily need or want to live in a place as densely populated as Seoul, but I need culture. I want to wake up every day and have to beat writing topics away with a stick.

I want somewhere with public transportation. With an airport nearby. With marketplaces.  With some people who smile and some people who don't. With enough differences and distances to go for a walk and always find something new.


 

I'm thrilled to have to have 10 more days in this hemisphere. I'm truly in a different world. But I'm right at home. Because English is spoken here. Because beer is enjoyed here. Because you must always look both ways before crossing. Because there's a bar with a playlist that has Guns 'N' Roses and Incubus and Spanish Beyoncé. And because I smiled when I opened the medicine cabinet to find that my friend, living on the other side of the globe, also uses Lady Speed Stick, Crest whitening toothpaste with Scope and Tampax Pearl tampons.

Home IS where the heart is.